I forgot you weren't
Mine
Smiles
Laughs
Until my jaw hurt
Falling asleep on the phone
Dreaming of you
How you do what you do
Hugs that heal
Heartbeat in my ear
I awake
Alone
You don't belong
To me
Friday, November 20, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
Penance for failing
I am fragile.
Easily hurt.
I have been used.
Tossed aside.
Frightened of losing myself.
Again.
As if:
happiness is
going to end me.
Convinced happiness cannot last.
That love has to hurt.
I
am:
Too scared to live.
Too scarred to live.
(PS: this is not about suicide)
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Something New?
How
can I want something so toxic?
Be
so broken?
Survive with such a deep hole?
I
need:
My life back
To
stand on my own
To
remember what I stand for
Solitude
I
need solitude
But…
I
just want to hot-box a room with your post coitus funk
Drink
in the smell of you
Dwell
inside of your space
Close
to you
I
want to be close to you
Or
do I just need something new?
Friday, October 16, 2015
Friday, September 25, 2015
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Self portraits
So I am back in classes working on my art. Recently I have been doing self portraits for class.
Still working on it.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Friday, July 24, 2015
Untitled
As I made my way across the field the wind blew cooling the heat from the sun against my skin. It was almost noon. I hadn’t felt my skirt touch my legs because the wind blew just so. I was floating. Like a ballerina in a jewelry box without all of the twirling. I have never been so certain of anything in my life. I was thankful for the first time since the accident. His smile was the only constant, seared into my mind like some branded grade A beef. The image pleased me; it was my sunshine. His smile helped focus my formally restless mind and assure me that I was doing the right thing.
Normally, the hike home was dreary and seemed to drag on for eternity. I felt like I had gotten there too soon. I began to feel as if the ground would crumble underneath my bare feet. Where had the sun gone?
I saw a figure at the kitchen table with a mug, coffee I assumed, and I knew that it was him. Had he been waiting for me? Did he know where I was? He glanced over his shoulder and I rushed to hide beneath the window sill. Had he seen me? Had he heard me? What was I going to say? I looked down at the ring newly placed on my finger. I felt elated. I was sure that I could move on from my wretched past and the life I had lived with such a disagreeable man. I took a deep breath and smoothed my skirt it felt sticky against my thighs. I tucked the ring into my cleavage and strolled inside.
Normally, the hike home was dreary and seemed to drag on for eternity. I felt like I had gotten there too soon. I began to feel as if the ground would crumble underneath my bare feet. Where had the sun gone?
I saw a figure at the kitchen table with a mug, coffee I assumed, and I knew that it was him. Had he been waiting for me? Did he know where I was? He glanced over his shoulder and I rushed to hide beneath the window sill. Had he seen me? Had he heard me? What was I going to say? I looked down at the ring newly placed on my finger. I felt elated. I was sure that I could move on from my wretched past and the life I had lived with such a disagreeable man. I took a deep breath and smoothed my skirt it felt sticky against my thighs. I tucked the ring into my cleavage and strolled inside.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Writing
So...
I have not done much with drawing since class ended besides a few quick sketches during my creative writing class. That class is what this post is going to be about.
I wrote a piece of flash fiction and it was well received to say the least. I left the class with a very big head about my ability as a writer. Now I am scared because I have a second piece due and tomorrow and I fear that it will pale in comparison to what I have written in the past. I mean the whole class was on the edge of their seats all asking questions and waiting for me to answer them.
My reaction was positive in the moment but it is times like that that I realize I have no interest in fame. it is overwhelming, of course I understand that I am not famous or even close. It was only a class of about 20 people but their full attention was on me and it was nerve wracking because I now feel an obligation to them.
I even got a fist bump from a girl on her way out to the bathroom. It is strange, I am glad that I am being perceived as a good writer especially since I have not written a short story since high school (almost 15yrs ago). It is just strange I had someone else from my group read it because I was so nervous to do it myself.
This moment does inspire me to return to the novel I wrote during NANOWRIMO a few years back to freshen it up and potentially get it published. That is some thing that I have been wanting to do for years. become a published author and make a living off of my writing. I think that I might post me pieces here from class as I have with art, and hopefully go back to making art when my sister and her children are not around.
anyways... I am rambling on but it was a really good day.
I have not done much with drawing since class ended besides a few quick sketches during my creative writing class. That class is what this post is going to be about.
I wrote a piece of flash fiction and it was well received to say the least. I left the class with a very big head about my ability as a writer. Now I am scared because I have a second piece due and tomorrow and I fear that it will pale in comparison to what I have written in the past. I mean the whole class was on the edge of their seats all asking questions and waiting for me to answer them.
My reaction was positive in the moment but it is times like that that I realize I have no interest in fame. it is overwhelming, of course I understand that I am not famous or even close. It was only a class of about 20 people but their full attention was on me and it was nerve wracking because I now feel an obligation to them.
I even got a fist bump from a girl on her way out to the bathroom. It is strange, I am glad that I am being perceived as a good writer especially since I have not written a short story since high school (almost 15yrs ago). It is just strange I had someone else from my group read it because I was so nervous to do it myself.
This moment does inspire me to return to the novel I wrote during NANOWRIMO a few years back to freshen it up and potentially get it published. That is some thing that I have been wanting to do for years. become a published author and make a living off of my writing. I think that I might post me pieces here from class as I have with art, and hopefully go back to making art when my sister and her children are not around.
anyways... I am rambling on but it was a really good day.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Badu?
There was a piece in Essence Magazine about EBadu and I attempted to recreate it. I laid on too much pastel so I was having trouble fixing the nose but maybe I will work more on this at some point or just reattempt this piece at a later date. For now though:
Yesterday's portraits
These two pieces are less than half the size of the pieces that I had been working on. I found it so freakin' hard to get any detail and the eyes are wonky (which seems to be my new signature) but I want to work on them more.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
More Portraits!!! (rubs hands together feverishly)
Today I fixed up a bit of yesterday's portrait:
I made the mouth wider and the chin less awkward. I softened some of the highlights as well. I did not move the eyes because that would be too much work.
I also did my professor:
and the same girl a second time but they were both sitting, it was not a "draw off" like the last one. This second piece is of course unfinished because we only had about 20 mins to work on it before class ended so we will pick up on it tomorrow so I should have a more complete piece then.
As you can see with the pieces that I worked on exclusively today I had some trouble with the eyes and it came out as cubist Picasso esque and that was not intended. I erased the eyes on both pieces but I did not get a picture of the professor before I erased the eye and I took the picture of the girl before I erased. I would have had another piece to post but I sat for a while so the class drew me. it was an overall tragedy so I took a picture of myself today and plan to spend some time working on it and hopefully I can do a better job than they did. When I post it I will post the picture I took as well as a basis for comparison.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Portrait
So...
I know that I never came back and uploaded new pictures for the hat and bottle series but I still have not taken a picture of the fourth that is in progress. It has a yellow light but I did not take the follow up picture.
Today we started portraits and I will be sad when this week is over because it is the last one for the course.
This was for a "draw off", as my professor calls it and I had to draw her as she was drawing me. It was interesting and challenging and so much fun. That is the plan for the rest of the week. We are going to try for two a day because the professor wants us to get to everyone in the course. I think that I will go crazy trying but it is going to be great especially since I did not even pick up drawing paper all weekend. I am not even sure what I did instead but I like this piece.
I know that the eyes are too high and that the jaw is strange but I felt the time constraint.
I know that I never came back and uploaded new pictures for the hat and bottle series but I still have not taken a picture of the fourth that is in progress. It has a yellow light but I did not take the follow up picture.
Today we started portraits and I will be sad when this week is over because it is the last one for the course.
This was for a "draw off", as my professor calls it and I had to draw her as she was drawing me. It was interesting and challenging and so much fun. That is the plan for the rest of the week. We are going to try for two a day because the professor wants us to get to everyone in the course. I think that I will go crazy trying but it is going to be great especially since I did not even pick up drawing paper all weekend. I am not even sure what I did instead but I like this piece.
I know that the eyes are too high and that the jaw is strange but I felt the time constraint.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
updated work
So because of today's warm weather my class decided to go outside. I did not want to go out so I did a few touch ups to my hat and bottle series. tomorrow I will finish up with the last piece (white light). I already started it but I do not have any pictures of it.
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I will update this with the latest pictures tomorrow or something because this rainy weather has my internet slow.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
ugh... Hat and Bottle
I was very displeased with today's work. I spent even less time on this one and was not able to finish the last one because I was late to class and my "light partner" changed the color to light from green to red.
I was not going to add it, but I figured that I should just do it anyway. Just because it is not good does not mean that I should lose momentum with my posting my artwork. I decided to do some thing new this time and lay the color in a different way and add in shapes in a different way because I was getting comfortable with the way I was building color so I wanted to switch it up. My professor recommended that I continue to change things up but my proportions were off again and the shapes were weird. Maybe I did not look enough at my piece while I was working on it. I have no clue but the way I laid the color did not work for me either. I am not sure if this means I should go back to doing what I was doing before or keep trying mew things.
If you read this please comment with a response. I will attempt to check it before tomorrow's class.
I hope to be in the habit of drawing or doing some kind of art everyday and I intend to post at least most of that here or someplace else if the mood strikes.
I was not going to add it, but I figured that I should just do it anyway. Just because it is not good does not mean that I should lose momentum with my posting my artwork. I decided to do some thing new this time and lay the color in a different way and add in shapes in a different way because I was getting comfortable with the way I was building color so I wanted to switch it up. My professor recommended that I continue to change things up but my proportions were off again and the shapes were weird. Maybe I did not look enough at my piece while I was working on it. I have no clue but the way I laid the color did not work for me either. I am not sure if this means I should go back to doing what I was doing before or keep trying mew things.
If you read this please comment with a response. I will attempt to check it before tomorrow's class.
I hope to be in the habit of drawing or doing some kind of art everyday and I intend to post at least most of that here or someplace else if the mood strikes.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Then there is this version (Hat and Bottle)
Today I worked on this version of Hat and Bottle:
I did not get to spend as much time on it and so it has much more work that needs to be done and it is more apparent than yesterday's piece. My Professor wants us to do a four piece set "Warhol" style, or at least with different color lights shining on the same object to be drawn four times. Yesterday's was blue light (as you can likely tell from the shadows), and today I used green.
I did not get to spend as much time on it and so it has much more work that needs to be done and it is more apparent than yesterday's piece. My Professor wants us to do a four piece set "Warhol" style, or at least with different color lights shining on the same object to be drawn four times. Yesterday's was blue light (as you can likely tell from the shadows), and today I used green.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Hat and bottle
So this is the piece that I worked on today.
In hindsight I see many things that could use some improvement but the class ended and I was all blue. I took pictures but for some reason they have not uploaded to my computer's dropbox.
I am pleased with it though. I am seeing so much better and I have been less reluctant to put down color. Other students are still drawing in the shapes then coloring it in but I have discovered the underpainting and I have been taking more risks and being pleased with the result. I focus more on shapes and negative space and it has improved my sill life speed and accuracy. I want to work on more pieces after school so I need to allocate my time more efficiently.
In hindsight I see many things that could use some improvement but the class ended and I was all blue. I took pictures but for some reason they have not uploaded to my computer's dropbox.
I am pleased with it though. I am seeing so much better and I have been less reluctant to put down color. Other students are still drawing in the shapes then coloring it in but I have discovered the underpainting and I have been taking more risks and being pleased with the result. I focus more on shapes and negative space and it has improved my sill life speed and accuracy. I want to work on more pieces after school so I need to allocate my time more efficiently.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Lessons learned from getting fat
I have been thinking a bit about weight. Recently I have decided that I need to work out more. I have been moving a bit (at least 15 minutes a day) most days of the week. Drinking less soda and getting rid of most sweets. I do not want to be as fat as I am for the rest of my life.
That being said gaining all of this weight has given me insight. WHen I was younger I was all about fat shaming; so much so that my overweight mother thought I would be embarrassed of her, and she left my high school graduation early (not my most pleasant memory). I began gaining slowly, I was unhappy at first but I found peace with my size because I was still able to do everything that I wanted with my life. Six months post childbirth the weight piled on more quickly, I gained a lot of weight in a few months time. SInce I hit puberty I had always believed that I was fat; mostly because I knew so many people who were smaller than me that would tell me as much. The reality is I was not fat. I am now. No ifs, ands or buts about it.
Today a large man was walking around the pool with his shirt off. I did not even notice him until a second man mentioned that he wanted to puke because of the way the first man looked. I turned my head. How does the way that man lives his life determine the way that you live yours.
Outside of the pool area I overheard a large woman out front saying that nobody needed so see her stomach.
The old me thought "Damn right, keep that $#!+ under wraps."
I told her to wear whatever she wanted.
She looked at me (mind you I do not know this person) and said but people will be looking at me.
I told her, "So what? They are going to be looking at you anyway. If you are comfortable in a two piece, rock it. If not don't."
It seemed simple.
I realize that the simplicity comes from self love.
I am not implying that I always rock the clothes that I want to wear because I am still uncomfortable. I realize that I let the opinions of others dictate my life. AT times I find myself getting dressed to make sure that no one wants to puke at the sheer sight of me. The reality is I have no control over how people see me. All I can do is work to be completely happy with what I see in the mirror, either naked or clothed.
I had wasted a lot of my life focused on other people.
I wish I was this self assured years ago.
That being said gaining all of this weight has given me insight. WHen I was younger I was all about fat shaming; so much so that my overweight mother thought I would be embarrassed of her, and she left my high school graduation early (not my most pleasant memory). I began gaining slowly, I was unhappy at first but I found peace with my size because I was still able to do everything that I wanted with my life. Six months post childbirth the weight piled on more quickly, I gained a lot of weight in a few months time. SInce I hit puberty I had always believed that I was fat; mostly because I knew so many people who were smaller than me that would tell me as much. The reality is I was not fat. I am now. No ifs, ands or buts about it.
Today a large man was walking around the pool with his shirt off. I did not even notice him until a second man mentioned that he wanted to puke because of the way the first man looked. I turned my head. How does the way that man lives his life determine the way that you live yours.
Outside of the pool area I overheard a large woman out front saying that nobody needed so see her stomach.
The old me thought "Damn right, keep that $#!+ under wraps."
I told her to wear whatever she wanted.
She looked at me (mind you I do not know this person) and said but people will be looking at me.
I told her, "So what? They are going to be looking at you anyway. If you are comfortable in a two piece, rock it. If not don't."
It seemed simple.
I realize that the simplicity comes from self love.
I am not implying that I always rock the clothes that I want to wear because I am still uncomfortable. I realize that I let the opinions of others dictate my life. AT times I find myself getting dressed to make sure that no one wants to puke at the sheer sight of me. The reality is I have no control over how people see me. All I can do is work to be completely happy with what I see in the mirror, either naked or clothed.
I had wasted a lot of my life focused on other people.
I wish I was this self assured years ago.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Better Late Than Never?
Over the last few weeks I have realized that I never really learned to draw formally. I have been working a lot to make-up for all the things that I haven't learned. There are so many simple things that I have never used with my pieces. I have had such a hard time with proportions and measuring that it is not even funny. I am almost agitated that something so simple as learning to really measure the piece with my pencil could have easily rectified the situation. I have pretended in the past that I knew what to do, or maybe at some point I knew how to do that and forgot, but it is more likely that I never learned.
I feel so cheated because I attended a private art school that cost a lot of money. I did improve greatly from the quality of art that I was making at my high school, but I wish I had these basics down, or at least in my memory. I fell like a novice when at this point I should be closer to professional status. I think the struggling that I have experienced, due to lack of formal skills, is in part why I have not enjoyed creating as much as I would like to. I am thankful that I am gaining this skills now though.
I feel so cheated because I attended a private art school that cost a lot of money. I did improve greatly from the quality of art that I was making at my high school, but I wish I had these basics down, or at least in my memory. I fell like a novice when at this point I should be closer to professional status. I think the struggling that I have experienced, due to lack of formal skills, is in part why I have not enjoyed creating as much as I would like to. I am thankful that I am gaining this skills now though.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Today
I had a good day today. Spent the morning relaxing and did some cleaning. Then my cousin from NC came up to visit with two of her boys. Went walked around and I showed them my city. It was nice. I did some more pastel work and a bit of drawing but it was not something that I am willing to post here. I am writing to get it in today and tomorrow she be nice as well since I did most of the necessary cleaning for tomorrow's cookout today so when my son is with his father I can nap instead of clean. then I don't have to cook or anything.
Posted a day late
SO I went back and reread some of my old posts and I realize that not enough had changed until I began school this summer. I was still wishing that I would create more and spending more time focused on the lives of others than I was on my own life and I think that has been to my detriment. I have been feeling full and satiated as of late, pausing to take a photo of something beautiful or making a note of some scenario that I invented on the spot.
I have been so caught up with my own BS that I was not moving forward. I had been lacking both awareness and adventure from my life. I told myself a few weeks before school started that I needed to do 4 things everyday (today, I just realize is the first day that I have actually done all four) write, move/workout, draw, and paint (Even though it was with pastels).
I think today has been one of my best days in a long time.
I think that I might have hurt someones feelings with my honesty though. That does not feel good, but the fact that I even care is progress. I think that I had been running from my life and to center myself I decided on the four things to do because I am happiest when these things have a place in my everyday. I plan to hold them tight and never let go.
PS: my son is great. I feel like it is odd that I never seem to bring him up so here I am bringing him up.
I have been so caught up with my own BS that I was not moving forward. I had been lacking both awareness and adventure from my life. I told myself a few weeks before school started that I needed to do 4 things everyday (today, I just realize is the first day that I have actually done all four) write, move/workout, draw, and paint (Even though it was with pastels).
I think today has been one of my best days in a long time.
I think that I might have hurt someones feelings with my honesty though. That does not feel good, but the fact that I even care is progress. I think that I had been running from my life and to center myself I decided on the four things to do because I am happiest when these things have a place in my everyday. I plan to hold them tight and never let go.
PS: my son is great. I feel like it is odd that I never seem to bring him up so here I am bringing him up.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Art-ish
I have been forced to get back into working on my art and it has been awesome. 
I know that I have a ways to go to even get back to being as good as I used to be but I am excited.
PS: This is my first soft pastel ever.
PSS: drawing in the sun today was no joke (2hrs worth of Vit. D).
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