I Forgot

I forgot you weren't
Mine

Smiles
Laughs
Until my jaw hurt

Falling asleep on the phone

Dreaming of you
How you do what you do

Hugs that heal

Heartbeat in my ear

I awake

Alone

You don't belong
To me

Penance for failing

I am fragile.

Easily hurt.

I have been used.

Tossed aside.

Frightened of losing myself.

Again.

As if: 

    happiness is going to end me. 

Convinced happiness cannot last. 

That love has to hurt. 

I am:

    Too scared to live. 

    Too scarred to live.  

(PS: this is not about suicide)

Something New?

How can I want something so toxic?

Be so broken?

Survive with such a deep hole?

I need: 

My life back

To stand on my own

To remember what I stand for

Solitude

I need solitude

But…

I just want to hot-box a room with your post coitus funk

Drink in the smell of you

Dwell inside of your space

Close to you

I want to be close to you

Or do I just need something new?