News!

I am going to have a baby boy in December. I have much more to write but I also have to shower, eat and be to work in less then an hour and getting around ain't what it used to be. :-)

Long time no rant...

So much has changed since I last wrote a blog. I have a lot going on and I am getting a little burnt out and Camp has not even started yet. I am determined to have a great weekend and lounge as much as is possible to prepare me for Mondays orientation that I am in charge of running. Everything seems so nutty now and I won't go deep into detail just yet but I am in a really good space right now. (well not this second because I am kind of hungry)

I have found myself someplace I had never intended on going and have realized I am happy here. It is very different from my life long intentions but I am here none the less.

I have been bogged down with work for a while and I might be moving out in a little over a month but that depends on things outside of my control. I know you may not know me but I HATE things outside of my control typically. This is all new for me and I am finding it hard yet intriguing. I have a tendency to walk away from things and avoid most of life's stress-ors and now I am potentially going to be dealing with one head on. I usually don't care enough to bother so I am proud that I have gotten to the point where I care about things other then children and family. It is still weird, but I am working on it!

Miniwho I have some more work to do and errands to run so I best be off lest they never get done. (Oh I'm a poet and didn't know it)

Okay yeah I'm done... don't judge my grammar!

progress?

So... I have been doing some rethinking about a lot of things. I have decided to take on new things in my life in smaller doses. I think I have been taking on too many new things, while ignoring all of the old things that I used to do. I miss those old things. I enjoy having new things in my life; however I need to go back to black (at least part way). I am not abandoning my new life. I just think I over did it a little, and now I am paying for it.

I am still happy with the life I am living; I just think I have been making big decisions without taking myself into consideration. I guess that is part of my martyrdom problem. I have been told often that I try to fix things and heal people as if I was jesus. I have been informed time and again (by professionals and everyday folk) that not only is that not my place, but it is not within my abilities. Still, I seem to get wrapped up. I take the bullet for things that should not even concern me. Hopefully, one day, I will grow out of it. I think childhood habits are the hardest to break.

It is the end of the school year and I have much to do, since now my students want to turn in assignments from like Sept. and I have to go over them and get them back in a timely manner. I wish that one day they would get things done during the school year. I guess after June that is no longer my problem in the same way. I will still have to deal with making sure they get it done. I will not have to dole out nine month old hand outs and find nine month old answer sheets. I think next year will be a huge learning experience for me. I don't know how much past next year I will stay though. I want to be a full time artist. I have been wanting it for years. I know that I won't be in the best position financially, especially since I am taking a 50% pay cut next year, but I think I need to spend some real time being responsible for me and me alone. I laugh when people think I am selfish because I give my heart and soul everyday. Those who cannot see that I think are the selfish ones. I am just giving for all of the wrong reasons right now and it has me feeling exhausted. I don't like the feeling.

I have been trying to do more things that are solely for me. It makes me feel selfish sometimes though. I know I deserve to be selfish sometimes. I just cannot seem to get fully into it knowing that I am (or at least I feel) responsible for so many other things and people and situations. I feel now that my only solution is to get out completely. I may change my mind after I change my job, or I may change my job then change my mind. Who knows with me. I think though that I am meant to be a wanderer. I have no place and no place has me.

I also have been painting:

____________I need to do so much to the hair especially, but I love the face so far.

__________________I love this one too, although; there is much to do still

They are part of a series for a show that is happening in three weeks and I have so much more work to do on them. I am happy that it takes me out of my everyday mind and puts me someplace new. I can just zone out and paint for hours upon hours and I have been very pleased with the way the pieces are turning out. At first I hated them all, which I normally do with my art, then I learned to love them and take time to make them into what I want them to be.

I was recently reminded by my boss that there was a point in time when art took years to create and now it is supposed to be cranked rapidly. I like not having to force myself to paint, but a dead line is a deadline. I have already choosen to ignore the deadline given to me. I just have to make sure the pieces are in the building when they start to set up the show and preferably all six pieces will be dry. (I make no promises though ;-)

20 feet tall

I have officially fallen back in love with Erykah Badu. It has been too long since I spent a whole day listening to her music and now I cannot stop. My favorite is 20 feet tall. I feel like I am getting back onto my own feet right now. I felt boxed in and closed off from the rest of the world. Then once I made my way to my feet I realized I am taller then the box I've been suffering in. It is all so beautiful.

I have also been painting and falling more and more in love with my man. It is funny that in January I was laughing at folks in the dreaded LTR (long term relationship); now I am headed there at full speed. I think he is my Yin and I can actually rant to him (and boy do I rant), and he is just there for me a listening. I don't feel any judgement from him. He loves me as I am and that includes my ranting and differing opinions. He is so sweet to me and I don't, and have never, had someone else in my life that compares. (I am not saying that he is perfect because lets be real he soo isn't, but I love him for who he is.) He has helped me tremendously without even knowing.

I guess I am done gushing for now. :-p I am on spring break and I have not gone anyplace. I am still a little antsy to get out and do something but I am content with how I have been spending my time. I wish the rest o my life could feel just like this.

Simple, Beautiful, Joyous, and Easy

Oh lest I forget, I have a brand new niece. She is beautiful although she does not smile a lot. (Also, since she is red skinned and looks more native then anyone else in the family I have decided to call her "Smiles at No One". hehehe I am so clever.) She was so tiny and it got my thinking thoughts like "when I have children they will..." and wondering how big my first child will be when it is born. I think I am becoming maternal and I am totally unsure of how I feel about it. The thought of me having a raising children does not seem as outlandish as it has for the last fourteen year of my life. And to think I am only six months away from being able to get my tubes tied without having any children.

Heavy sigh! I guess this part is not so simple or easy, but it is life and I have some big decisions to make.

Oh and I have some weddings to go to this summer. I am excited, but that makes me think about my own life and what I am doing with it.

Question: When the fuck did I become an adult? I don't remember consenting to all of this. :-)

Tears and Joy (totally separate things today)

I have been thinking a lot today about a lot of things. My relationship has been in my thoughts, and what I am doing with/ about it. I had a weird day at work.

Also, I had a weird conversation over facebook about homosexuality. I left the conversation feeling sad about humanity at large. I cannot believe that I know people who believe that homosexuality is in the same category as murder. It is times like this that I am glad I don't cling to religion.

It just felt like a hateful conversation and I don't feel that way towards anyone. Not even murders. There was even some "I don't want my kids to grow up in a world where homosexuality is okay" (not verbatim) but it made me want to cry. I feel how, I assume, white people who were against slavery felt. You try to talk and make people see and understand, but it is overwhelming. If I was white back then I think I would have been a coward in the streets. But, I certainly would have opened my house to be a part of the underground railroad.

I found myself wanting to lie and say I was a homosexual just to see the reaction but then I realized it was not worth it and the reaction I might get may have broken my tear free streak. Just writing this now makes me sad. I guess I would have rather stayed ignorant.I guess I should have just minded my own business. :'-(

Mini who, I decided to blog because I have finally created something I like and that I am proud of and I wanted to post the finished product. Of course I can still find a million things to "fix" but I am happy with the way they look. :-)

Self Portrait...

I think I really need to create more. It helps my mind simplify things and it makes life not so harsh. Things get out of control very easily and art is my solace.

Sanctuary...

No. 1 Fan

I was laying in bed and I actually got inspired to do some drawings. I think part of it is that I know I am supposed to be finishing up this piece for GSCA's Boarded-Up exhibit (I think I have about six days to finish that SMH). I am sure he looks better in real life and I only put about 30 minutes into the drawing spent more time erasing than anything else but I will post the picture anyway because it has been quite some time since I've drawn anything.


Tahiem The Terrible

I have to get my shit together because I have a lot of work to get done over break and I have been sleeping most of the time. I have to finish my piece and get a head start on work for the next few weeks at least. I want to do my hair again, do laundry, clean the house, separate clothes to be donated to Haiti, go to my sisters baby shower, and find time to just enjoy myself. I am certain I will do the latter I just hope I can manage some of the former as well.

Dealing with dudes

I don't know what to do with myself right now.

ok.. ok...

So... I guess forever is not as long as it seems on TV... I am unlocked. I am too impulsive and indecisive. I took the plunge too fast and spent last Sat. undoing. I feel like that might be a pattern that is getting old fast. Me jumping into the wrong things feet first and getting dirt under my fingernails trying to dig myself out.

Life is a little more complicated today. I may be heading into a relationship. I think it is about time on so many levels and it is too soon on so many others. I don't want to have to dig my way out of this later.I have been mulling over my life and what I want from it. I am still undecided. I wonder how a balance is ever found. I don't want to spend my life undoing but does that take away from the chances I am then willing to take? I already know the answer to that question is yes but how do you know what is worth it? Is he worth it? Is it worth missing out on? I ask too many questions whose answers only come through experience. I wish I had experienced more as a teenager; I feel like I am playing catch-up.

I have decided to become part-time at my job for next year, and just do the advising piece. I think I am better suited for this position. I realized I idealized my job and I do think it is amazing; I just don't want to be the one doing it. Like the Dali Lama his life seems so amazing, however; I don't want to be him. I also might finally be inspired to get my drivers license since that means I can take trips whenever I want to. (My boss brought it to my attention, she is so good to me. She is an enabler but only for bringing out the best in me. I told her if she was a man I'd date her and have babies with her. We have an unconventional relationship. :-D)

I also am trying to work out some sort of schedule so I can create more. I have a whole new idea for my "Boarded-Up" piece and I have a lot of repainting to do. I just have to make sure I make time for it. I want sections and faces and flower. I need things in my life to be beautiful and delicious :-9.

I wrote a poem but it needs some work so I will just write a quote I may one day be famous for: "I masturbate without you, and wonder why I even need you." -Dyrt