So... I have been doing some rethinking about a lot of things. I have decided to take on new things in my life in smaller doses. I think I have been taking on too many new things, while ignoring all of the old things that I used to do. I miss those old things. I enjoy having new things in my life; however I need to go back to black (at least part way). I am not abandoning my new life. I just think I over did it a little, and now I am paying for it.
I am still happy with the life I am living; I just think I have been making big decisions without taking myself into consideration. I guess that is part of my martyrdom problem. I have been told often that I try to fix things and heal people as if I was jesus. I have been informed time and again (by professionals and everyday folk) that not only is that not my place, but it is not within my abilities. Still, I seem to get wrapped up. I take the bullet for things that should not even concern me. Hopefully, one day, I will grow out of it. I think childhood habits are the hardest to break.
It is the end of the school year and I have much to do, since now my students want to turn in assignments from like Sept. and I have to go over them and get them back in a timely manner. I wish that one day they would get things done during the school year. I guess after June that is no longer my problem in the same way. I will still have to deal with making sure they get it done. I will not have to dole out nine month old hand outs and find nine month old answer sheets. I think next year will be a huge learning experience for me. I don't know how much past next year I will stay though. I want to be a full time artist. I have been wanting it for years. I know that I won't be in the best position financially, especially since I am taking a 50% pay cut next year, but I think I need to spend some real time being responsible for me and me alone. I laugh when people think I am selfish because I give my heart and soul everyday. Those who cannot see that I think are the selfish ones. I am just giving for all of the wrong reasons right now and it has me feeling exhausted. I don't like the feeling.
I have been trying to do more things that are solely for me. It makes me feel selfish sometimes though. I know I deserve to be selfish sometimes. I just cannot seem to get fully into it knowing that I am (or at least I feel) responsible for so many other things and people and situations. I feel now that my only solution is to get out completely. I may change my mind after I change my job, or I may change my job then change my mind. Who knows with me. I think though that I am meant to be a wanderer. I have no place and no place has me.
I also have been painting:
____________I need to do so much to the hair especially, but I love the face so far.
__________________I love this one too, although; there is much to do still
They are part of a series for a show that is happening in three weeks and I have so much more work to do on them. I am happy that it takes me out of my everyday mind and puts me someplace new. I can just zone out and paint for hours upon hours and I have been very pleased with the way the pieces are turning out. At first I hated them all, which I normally do with my art, then I learned to love them and take time to make them into what I want them to be.
I was recently reminded by my boss that there was a point in time when art took years to create and now it is supposed to be cranked rapidly. I like not having to force myself to paint, but a dead line is a deadline. I have already choosen to ignore the deadline given to me. I just have to make sure the pieces are in the building when they start to set up the show and preferably all six pieces will be dry. (I make no promises though ;-)
